Do You know how to transform anger into something that increases your health and increases closeness and intimacy in your relationships?
This article will give you some helpful ideas and actions steps you can take right now to use your anger to your advantage! (You do want to be healthier, and happier right?)
At the end of this article I’m going to give you a special offer for more resources on transforming anger.
This amusing poem is about anger.
Two Cats of Kilkenny, (Found in Richard Scary Nursery Rhymes)
There once were two cats of Kilkenny,
Each thought there was one cat too many;
So they fought and they fit,
And they scratched And they bit,
Till excepting their nails
And the tips of their tails
Instead of two cats
There weren’t any…
Obviously we don’t want to be like these cats! So how do we avoid destructive anger? We will look at how to use anger helpfully in your relationships first.
Let’s explore the steps to transforming anger:
1. Uncontrolled anger may be the most destructive force in a relationship—whether it’s a work related relationship or personal relationship.
Uncontrolled anger destroys rapport, cooperation, and closeness. People will actively avoid dealing with someone who does not effectively use their anger. Yet, if the anger is there because of differences of opinion and viewpoints, does ignoring it work? NO!
Instead of ignoring anger the best first step is “confrontation”. There must be room for “confrontation” in a healthy relationship. This makes room for healthy resolution and more closeness and cooperation in relationships. “Confrontation” helps to create better health for the person experiencing anger.
Let’s define Conflict Versus Confrontation. “Conflict” is arguing and fighting (destructive anger) with the intent to win, and protect your interests at all costs. It often comes at a high price—eroding a relationship. “Confrontation” is when you have a conversation addressing behavior you want another person to change, because it’s negatively affecting you.
The other person can agree to make a change– or not! But at least you have created an opportunity for change by giving your concerns a voice. This makes room for a healthier, happier, more intimate personal relationship, and more cooperative, productive work relationships.
Confrontation can be exploratory as each person has the ability to voice their opinions. It can be approached with the intent to learn more about the person you are confronting. Confrontation is a great way to transform anger into a happier, healthier way of approaching problems in a relationship.
These principles apply to your work environment, whether the relationship is with a co-worker or management, and to your personal relationships with family, partners, spouses or friends.
Here are some Great Affirmations For Transforming Anger:
I like to start affirmations with the phrase : “The Truth Is”:
I feel comfortable and justified in delivering a well constructed, healthy confrontational message that takes responsibility for my own feelings and asks for change in another person’s behavior.
I feel safe in knowing I have the strength and resources to solve any problem I encounter.
I recognize that confrontation is necessary in healthy relationships for each person to constructively ask for change and express their needs and feelings.
If you use these perspective shifting affirmations for anger frequently, when you have a flare-up of anger or frustration, the new coping strategies will already be in your mind allowing you to take a different course of action, than you used to.
2. Delivering a “Confrontational Message” to open the path for conversation and resolution:
Since we know that ignoring problems leads to escalation of anger, emotional distancing, and resentment we know we have to address it head on. One way of doing this is to express yourself through a structured “confrontational message” that shows you are taking responsibility for your own feelings and not blaming anyone else.
A confrontational message allows you to state the others person’s behavior, how it affects you, and ask for a change. It also gives you an opportunity to state what your feelings are about someone else’s behavior in the least hostile way.
The man who taught this basic form of stating your feelings, often referred to as the “I message” is Thomas Gordon. The basic components are:
State the other person’s behavior
Tell how you felt about it
Tell how their behavior negatively affects you
Tell what you’d like to them change or do instead
Discuss possible consequences—(or what you will do for yourself) If they don’t meet your polite request to change their behavior. This final step is optional and not always necessary. It’s helpful with children, and any time you have already made a polite request that’s been ignored.