Yes These 3 Simple Steps to Transform Anger Helped Me Have Happier Relationships, Better Health, and Less Conflict And They Will Work For YOU Too! Anger Problem Solving Made Easy

Do You know how to transform anger into something that increases your health and increases closeness and intimacy in your relationships?

This article will give you some helpful ideas and actions steps you can take right now to use your anger to your advantage! (You do want to be healthier, and happier right?)

At the end of this article I’m going to give you a special offer for more resources on transforming anger.

This amusing poem is about anger.

Two Cats of Kilkenny, (Found in Richard Scary Nursery Rhymes)

There once were two cats of Kilkenny,
Each thought there was one cat too many;

So they fought and they fit,
And they scratched And they bit,

Till excepting their nails
And the tips of their tails

Instead of two cats
There weren’t any…

Obviously we don’t want to be like these cats! So how do we avoid destructive anger? We will look at how to use anger helpfully in your relationships first.

 Let’s explore the steps to transforming anger:

1. Uncontrolled anger may be the most destructive force in a relationship—whether it’s a work related relationship or personal relationship.

Uncontrolled anger destroys rapport, cooperation, and closeness. People will actively avoid dealing with someone who does not effectively use their anger. Yet, if the anger is there because of differences of opinion and viewpoints, does ignoring it work? NO!

Instead of ignoring anger the best first step is “confrontation”. There must be room for “confrontation” in a healthy relationship. This makes room for healthy resolution and more closeness and cooperation in relationships. “Confrontation” helps to create better health for the person experiencing anger.

Let’s define Conflict Versus Confrontation. “Conflict” is arguing and fighting (destructive anger) with the intent to win, and protect your interests at all costs. It often comes at a high price—eroding a relationship. “Confrontation” is when you have a conversation addressing behavior you want another person to change, because it’s negatively affecting you.

The other person can agree to make a change– or not! But at least you have created an opportunity for change by giving your concerns a voice. This makes room for a healthier, happier, more intimate personal relationship, and more cooperative, productive work relationships.

Confrontation can be exploratory as each person has the ability to voice their opinions. It can be approached with the intent to learn more about the person you are confronting. Confrontation is a great way to transform anger into a happier, healthier way of approaching problems in a relationship.

These principles apply to your work environment, whether the relationship is with a co-worker or management, and to your personal relationships with family, partners, spouses or friends.

Here are some Great Affirmations For Transforming Anger:

I like to start affirmations with the phrase : “The Truth Is”:

  • I feel comfortable and justified in delivering a well constructed, healthy confrontational message that takes responsibility for my own feelings and asks for change in another person’s behavior.

  • I feel safe in knowing I have the strength and resources to solve any problem I encounter.

  • I recognize that confrontation is necessary in healthy relationships for each person to constructively ask for change and express their needs and feelings.


If you use these perspective shifting affirmations for anger frequently, when you have a flare-up of anger or frustration, the new coping strategies will already be in your mind allowing you to take a different course of action, than you used to.

2. Delivering a “Confrontational Message” to open the path for conversation and resolution:

Since we know that ignoring problems leads to escalation of anger, emotional distancing, and resentment we know we have to address it head on. One way of doing this is to express yourself through a structured “confrontational message” that shows you are taking responsibility for your own feelings and not blaming anyone else.

A confrontational message allows you to state the others person’s behavior, how it affects you, and ask for a change. It also gives you an opportunity to state what your feelings are about someone else’s behavior in the least hostile way.

The man who taught this basic form of stating your feelings, often referred to as the “I message” is Thomas Gordon. The basic components are:

  • State the other person’s behavior

  • Tell how you felt about it

  • Tell how their behavior negatively affects you

  • Tell what you’d like to them change or do instead

  • Discuss possible consequences—(or what you will do for yourself) If they don’t meet your polite request to change their behavior. This final step is optional and not always necessary. It’s helpful with children, and any time you have already made a polite request that’s been ignored.

3. The next step in transforming anger is to get ready for their resistance! Be ready and willing to deal with the consequences of being open and authentic in your communication.

When you deliver a confrontational message expect resistance!

Almost no ones like to be told what they are doing is “wrong” according to you! They may not even fully hear what you say as their defensiveness starts to rise in response to you pointing out that their behavior is not acceptable to you in some way, and that you want them to change their behvior. Some people at this point will launch an all out ”war of words”, or worse.

Listen to their response and actually consider them.

When you listen with the intent to learn the other person’s perspectives and beliefs you might find that the understanding shifts your own attitudes and perspectives. It may create subtle or even dynamic changes to the problem you brought to the table with your confrontational message. You may find that what seemed like a monumental issue becomes less of an issue when you understand their motivations and intentions. Or you may have to get mentally tough and step up the intensity of your request with a consequence of what you will do in response if they choose not to make the change you requested.

Action Step: If you tend to get emotional (angry or tearful) when someone is defending themselves, then tell them you want to write down their points of view so you can thoughtfully consider them and get back to them with some ideas later. They may be shocked that you are actually listening and considering their point of view and may soften their anger in response.

This article is part of an ongoing series of articles on anger.

I want to help reduce destructive anger in our world for everyone’s benefit. Imagine a world where people had better conflict resolution skills and anger management that empowers everyone in a healthy way!

These are a few ideas of how I have transformed anger into a catalyst for change. Anger doesn’t have to be destructive, it can be used to increase closeness in a relationship, and give you insights into changes you need to make to increase your emotional and physical health.

Anger when properly used can be a powerful tool for transformation.

This article is brought to you by Phoenix Alexander, Professional Public Speaker, and “Your Personal Problem Solving Transformation Expert.

You can find more problem solving articles on my website:

The special offer I mentioned at the beginning of the article is: Free Anger Transforming Affirmations. Just send me an email to:, and I will send you a PDF of these extremely effective perspective shifters. You can also find other great products for problem solving and transformation on my website on the products page. Enjoy!

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