You Have The Right… To Ask Others To Change

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Your Emotional Rights… Forgiving

You Have The Right To Forgive–

If and when YOU feel like it, not when others say you should.

Forgiving is healing for those you have been victimized. It’s a gift of peace you give to yourself.

Don’t let judgmental people shame you or force you into believing that if you don’t forgive immediately that you are as “sinful as the perpetrator.”

Forgiveness may naturally happen toward the end of your healing process, but it can’t ever be forced.

“Forgive and Forget” may simply not be possible. For survivors of trauma and violence reaching a point of forgiving may be the hardest thing they ever do.

People who have been traumatized significantly by violence perpetrated on them may develop Post Traumatic Stress which changes their reactions to stress for the rest of their existence. It changes brain chemistry, and the way that they process stimuli that is potentially threatening. Even if they choose to forgive, it’s unlikely they will ever “forget.” It may be dangerous to “forget” what happened.

So let’s be gentle with each other, and especially with trauma survivors and leave the judgment out of the conversations about healing.

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You have the right to forgive but not the obligation– It’s still YOUR choice.

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Goals: What To Do When They Don’t Seem To Work

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Goal Setting: How To Get What You Want

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Every Day Is A Gift


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Make a list of what you most want in life!

The Possibility List:


I have studied personal development practices for years. One of the concepts is “the list”. Make a list of what you most want and continue to read it to yourself often. Reading it out loud will drive it into your subconscious mind more effectively. I know this works!

I had a list I made around 4 years ago while I was deep into a very difficult relationship. I knew that there were qualities that I needed in a partner to truly thrive and be happy, but I had NEVER experienced them .(Although each relationship was an improvement on the last). I carefully weighed out what kind of man would be the most supportive of the strong, determined woman that I am, and who would have the self-esteem to allow me to grow, and to grow with me. I needed a list to give my mind a concept of something I had never experienced before.

I compiled 37 characteristics/attributes that were very important to me. They did not include how much money he made, or that I wanted him to take care of me, or even that he had to be eye candy– rather I wanted qualities that would allow us to be truly happy together.

When I met the man that matched my list, I knew almost immediately that I had finally found him. It’s exhilarating. He has become eye candy to me because of how he treats me.

I read him my list recently. Out of 37 things on my “Dream Guy List”, he is very strong in 33 of them!!!! Man he’s good. Ironically, he said if he had known about my list he would not have taken me on a second date. LOL.

Here’s my point, it doesn’t matter if you have never had whatever you want before. If you keep your mind focused on the target, and you have a clear picture of what you want–“your list”, you can attract what you want, AND you will know when you hit the target.

Purposefully Design Your Life With A List

Purposefully Design Your Life With A List

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Something Better Is Coming…

 

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Never make someone else pay…. for what they didn’t do!

Never make your new partner pay for your ex's negative behavior

Never make your new partner pay for your ex’s negative behavior

Too often when we enter a new relationship, we still have our guard held high. We watch for signs that they are going to do the same thing our ex did. We protect our hearts and defend our thoughts and interpret their actions based on what someone else did to hurt us. We don’t open ourselves up to experience something new. Try instead to explore the relationship with an open perspective, less guarding, and eyes of wonder.

When you find yourself anticipating or expecting the other person to behave in hurtful ways, you are more likely to create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Expect that you learned the lesson from the previous relationship and you are now ready to receive more of what you want.

Don’t enter with the attitude that we will change the other person, simply observe to understand and appreciate the other person. Allow yourself to expect and receive better than you had before. Trust them, but verify their behavior. Watch and see if their words align with their behavior.

Let yourself be vulnerable enough to receive the love and caring you deserve. If the new partner does actually behave in negative or hurtful ways, it may be worthwhile to examine what attracted you to them. Maybe we still have lessons to learn about ourselves. Never stay in a toxic relationship.

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The Most Powerful People In the World….

“The most POWERFUL people in the world are those who chose to control themselves!.”–Phoenix

I told my kids to put that on my headstone when I die.

The Most Powerful People In The World Are Those Who Choose To Control Themselves!

The Most Powerful People In The World Are Those Who Choose To Control Themselves!

I believe it to my core. Personal Empowerment begins with controlling our own thoughts taking purposeful action that brings us closer to what we truly want. The mindless power of a tyrant who kills, abuses, or demeans another is not actually powerful—it’s weak! It shows how very little respect they have for themselves and others. It’s often done by people with inferiority complexes trying to prove they are important. It’s an example of someone who lacks the TRUE POWER of self-control and the accountability of standing your ground even when it’s unpopular.

You have to think about the probable outcome of an action to determine whether it’s what you really want to do. It’s astounding to me how few people exercise the necessary self-control to weigh out the possible consequences before saying or doing something impulsive.

What we need is more self-control and less control from others. We also need far more self-imposed personal accountability!

How different would our world be if we took responsibility for everything we say and do and actually lived by the Golden Rule? Most of us have heard it- “Do unto others and you would have done unto you.” I’ve also heard of the Platinum Rule which is “Do unto others as they want done unto them.”

How different would your life be if you took the time to truly evaluate whether an action brought you closer to or further away from your dreams and goals instead of just acting out of habit, or pressure?

Sometimes our families and significant people in our lives can shame us into feeling like we have to act against our own best interests or value system to be loved and accepted. It’s especially hard to stand up for ourselves in these circumstances. Sometimes it can cost us the relationship or standing in the group– or even family. I was disowned when I took a stance against tyranny in my home of origin. It hurt more than I can describe at first, but as time went on I recognized that the peace, and self-esteem I felt from taking a stance was far greater than the turmoil and suffering I felt allowing myself to be the one that someone else was taking out their power trip on.

I wrote a Personal Mission Statement to help me remember the cost of being controlled instead of exercising my own personal power. Some of the principles in it are as follows:

 

Each choice I make is governed by my values as set forth in this Personal Mission Statement:

  • Happiness, peace, and living true principles, are the object and design of my existence.
  • I recognize that true peace comes from living with honor, dignity, and truth.
  • I never violate my personal ethics for the approval of others, for temporary gain, comfort, satisfaction, or for the sake of “keeping the peace”.
  • I never allow anyone to violate my body or my personal boundaries.
  • I devote my life to learning; sharing; growing; overcoming all fears, limitations, and obstacles; and exercising compassion and mercy for others.
  • I seek to lift the burdens of others, to share my knowledge, and teach true principles through example, recognizing that my strength comes from the Lord and is inexhaustible.
  • I accept responsibility for my own problems only and teach others to do the same.
  • My stewardship is first to the development of myself spiritually, emotionally, and in all other ways. I then have the wisdom and energy to fulfill my stewardship to my family.
  • I move with peace through every experience in my life.
  • I quickly seek the “lesson to be learned “in each situation and recognize it as an opportunity for growth.
  • All of my life experiences have forged my character into strong, tempered steel.
  • I commit myself to excellence in all I do.
  • I move with dignity, strength, beauty, and compassion upon the earth.
  • I love and honor my body, the temple of my spirit.

 

The full Personal Mission Statement can be found in my book, “Turning Trials Into Triumphs The Way Of The Phoenix.” Available on Amazon or here on this website from the author.

I challenge you to begin living each moment of each day with purpose and power and see how much more satisfying your life is.

–Phoenix Alexander

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I Survived Father’s Day!

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My father is deceased so I took time to spend the day with my child doing something that makes us both very happy—the beach. The above picture is where I spent my Father’s Day.

My father left the planet several decades ago and the last time I spoke to him was on Father’s Day 1998. He had disowned me several years before when I told him I would no longer tolerate him yelling and swearing at me. I called him on an urge because I couldn’t get him off my mind, although he had not reached out to make things right with me. I called and we had small talk. He offered no apologies or explanations for his absence. Nothing major changed except– he died 4 days later. It was then that my healing truly began.

Some people have/had amazing father’s who appropriately loved, protected and nurtured them as children- and some of us did not! Father’s day can be a bittersweet day for many. It’s sometimes hard not to wonder “Why did I get this life, and they got that one?” if your father was absent from your life or abusive.  My heart goes out to all you with those circumstances. It’s not about you! It’s about the choices they make/made.

The value of loving, protective, involved father’s cannot be fully measured. If you have/had one like that count your blessings! To all you men living honorable lives as father’s (or father figures) I commend you. Your influence and value is great on the people around you.  You may not know how much you help someone who is not your actual child, but as a nurturing “father figure” you can heal many wounds and affect generations. What a choice opportunity that is.

One thing I learned forcefully in life is this….

Life is Perspective! I believe our happiness in life is based far more on our perspective than our circumstances. When we take the time to focus on any conceivable benefit within the adversity/trial or concentrate on the blessings and advantages that we have, it can exponentially increase our happiness and mental health.

If you’re feeling sad get out and do something you enjoy or attempt something daring and new instead of isolating yourself. My happy places usually involve the outdoors.

Make yourself a “happy list” and commit to yourself that you will do things on your list on a frequent basis. Try to do something on your list daily. If not make sure to do it weekly. Some ideas for a happy list include: Go for a walk, walk in the sand or barefoot in the grass, listen to great music, eat some great food- but don’t get too carried away.

Focus on your senses like touch, sound, taste, smell and sight. It gets you out of your head and the “problems” and into your body. We tend to dissociate from our body and the joy of living in it when we are sad.

In my book “Turning Trials Into Triumphs The Way Of The Phoenix” I revealed some of the “timeless truths” I have learned in my life. One of them is this: “ Each of have life experiences that give us exactly the right opportunities for our highest growth and ultimately happiness-if we can maintain the correct perspective.”

I also have a list of things that can act as mood-shifters to get me out of ruminating on the problems and into a more happy state where often the solution to the problem can just float into my consciousness because I’m doing something I enjoy instead of total focus on the troubling issue. Some of these include:

  • Time in my hot tub
  • Reading a lighthearted book
  • Going for a walk
  • A candle light dinner with a valued friend
  • A massage
  • A good movie
  • Time at the beach
  • Watching a Bonfire

Whenever you feel unhappy, or need a mental health break use your senses and body to create a “happy place” where you can change your perspective to a more empowering one.

–Phoenix Alexander

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